doing something you don't enjoy for the sake of doing something you don't enjoy.
the continuing battle against body dysmorphia and poor self image
as i get older its harder to ignore how much i hate my appearance. i hate my thighs, my face, my hair, my stomach, my calves, my skin, my eyes, my private parts, my arms. every part of me feels uncomfortable and i hate my reflection in the window. i was told by someone petit once that i wouldnt understand what it was like for her to struggle with an eating disorder, like i havent rubbed my face with a towel until i burnt, like i havent counted the calories on everything i eat, like i havent looked up tutorials upon tutorials on how to change myself, like i dont stare at myself in the mirror for hours. nothing is enough. i can see my bones through my skin, play against my rib cage and curve out my spine, but my thighs are still fat and my face and stomach arent concaved. helpful realisations are few and far between, i know its all so stupid, the body is but a flesh vessel for the soul. but i cant shake this feeling. when i sit with friends, i stare at their legs, their faces, i studied them intensely and wonder why they have what i want. i curse my parents for allowing for such an ugly baby to be born. i hate my parents for allowing me to live such a destructive and free spirited lifestyle that gave way to new insecurities. i lay in the shower and wonder if im going to be humilited like this forever. its stupid and impractical to compare yourself to a drawing. but i would kill to be as skinny as animanga shoujo, i would die for hair like some girls i see within shows. i think i can never be happy unless i look a certain way, but this way is always changing. i cant go on social media without be utterly depressed by how much prettier everyone is compared to me. everything feels wrong.
hypersexuality, porn addiction and identity
I've never had sex with a guy before.
This is what I have been thinking about as of recent, as some cute guys enter my life who seem to equally be reaching out to me as well. For the longest time I identified myself as lesbian, I've had lesbian sex before (albeit very uneventful), thought about boobs, jerked off to women, jerked other women off, etc. So I'm definitely attracted to them, but I wonder if I could be attracted to men as well. I've had people talk about this thing called "comp-het", its basically what the name-sake is, a feeling of hetero urges that come occasionally as a biological factor (i.e monkey need to reproduce ug ug). And for a long time I just assumed this is what that was. (Pictures of Q from impractical jokers would make me giggle and kick my legs, of course I'd assume that's what this is.) I have ups and downs of nymphomania. Days when I jerk off every night for a week and my thoughts are consumed with sex, and I wonder if my desire to get with guys is out of my true heart and mind or if my judgement is clouded from so many mangas. I don't know. I'm kinda nervous, and kinda excited. maybe I will regret it, maybe they will be disappointed in my low libido or that I don't look like the girls they see in porn (which brings me to another point about the brain rot of porn consumption). Ah, I don't know if the label Lesbian suits me anymore. It feels too constricting, but I don't know what I am anymore, I feel lost. I don't feel bisexual, but I am not lesbian either, I'm a secret thing in between.
the continuing battle against body dysmorphia and poor self image II: suicidality, self harm and a lack of self worth
I dont know what I'm doing anymore. I want to kill myself so bad. I hate my appearance, and I cant seem to get anything to work the way I want it to. I dont want to eat anymore, I wish i was skinnier but theres things I cant even change like face shape. And Im stuck with that for life. And I come home everday and just cry. Do people know what its like to hate the way you look so much it stops you from going out, stops you from eating, destroys your relationships??? I dont wanna keep living if I look like this. and the worst part is I know no one else notices these things. And its just me. And im staring at myself in the mirror for hours at a time. And i never look people in the eye. I wish I could give myself a lobotomy so I dont have to see myself as so ugly. And all I do is look at others and i dont even listen anymore, all i look at is how much more prettier they are compared to me. And all I look at is how softer their jaws are, and nicer there skin is, and more doey their eyes are. I wish I could believe others when they say I look good. I cant. I feel like, if I date people, they'll always just find a more attractive version of me with my personality. And I wish I didnt cut as much as I do or blubber when I cry. But I feel so suicidal all the time. And I cant do anything about it. I'm stuck in this horrible body. I hope I die this year.
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